A MIND COMPLETELY BITTEN BY THE SERPENT OF SEX "You may think that the Grand Tour is about politics, & culture, & art, and you would be quite right; but it is also about gambling, and drinking, and sex. Particularly sex."
I bought two D’Annunzio books in the Charing Cross Road. The Flame of Life in particular a wonderful old copy and its pages have that musty smell, like soggy, rainy, damp Charing Cross afternoons under black skies, sheltering from a storm.
My eternal problem is when I am sober I never would dream of going to a whore, even though that is the only time I could get pleasure out of it, yet when I start drinking I think of nothing else but going to a whore, but by then I am incapable of really doing anything with her. I could get around it before because after drinking, I would go to a strip club (always without bars in those days so I slowly started to sober up in the smoke of the basements), then I would go to a porn cinema to get really ready to explode while at the same time sobering up even more, so when I finally could not wait a second longer, I was absolutely ready for a model. These days there is not a single adult cinema left in Soho so there is no choice except to go from pub to model and then disappointment is assured. But I have to end the day somehow.
The fact is drinking is one of the real pleasures of my life, so that is all right if I spend more on that than anything else. You’ve got to do something in this life you enjoy or why even bother living? To keep feeling guilty oh I spent so much money on drink, or I spent too much money on strippers, or too much money on whores, is pointless. If I was a millionaire, they are precisely the three things I would be spending all my money on. I would not do anything different.
OK so this is a quiet period. But I have put down markers, and I am sure my time will come again. I am sure —– will blow up in their faces, just be patient. But I really want time to search all the potential Italian models in Soho now!
How one girl can bring a city back to life, like throwing a switch. I have said it so many times before, it has just been such a long time since I have met such a girl. And there all of a sudden in my maudlin black despair she was. It has brought London back to life for me too. I want to track down Italian books, magazines, Italian models in Soho.
This split with —— happened for a reason: to enable me to finally open up the Pandora’s box of Italian eroticism and open myself up to Italian sex. This betrayal by ——– has opened me up to months with huge freedom to discover a new way forward for myself, and in one week I have discovered three extraordinary young beauties in London.
I have now commenced on a period of Italian Eroticism. It has replaced the mood of Viennese Eroticism I have been luxuriating in thus far this year. I am still committed to a long period of austerity, though spending 340 on booze in just 21 days suggests otherwise, but the important thing is I haven’t spent any money on anything OTHER than booze. It is not like I spent that amount on booze, a great amount on strippers and an even greater amount on whores, no, I have limited myself to the booze only, and as such my overall expenditure in the last 2 weeks or so is actually down.
Eroticism is like magnetism. For a long time now my magnetic North Pole has been Vienna, now thanks to Elena, it has turned towards Italy. I am fascinated by everything to do with Italy. My weathervane now points to Italy. The fact that most weathervanes take the form of a cock will have escaped no one.
I really do not ever want another relationship with anyone. —— is the only relationship I want, and if not her, then I will stay alone. I do not even feel any desire to —- anybody else, only prostitutes. I do not want to give anything of myself personally or emotionally again. That is all for —— only. It is a relief to be free of this pressure! 22:02 Saturday night now. From 23:00 just seven hours to go. Then free to go out drinking? Or please let me enjoy a long peaceful sleep, and lazy day in, updating my websites, and cleaning my room. I did have some fantastic sexual experiences didn’t I, with ——, then with —-. I wonder if I will ever have another sexual experience like that again? I do not even want it. The desire has gone. Yet, Italian barmaid is stunning, Beer House barmaid, Spanish Mary. I simply cannot imagine ever having another relationship with anyone other than a model. How turned on I was when I met —-. Will I ever desire anyone like that again? SO much more pleasure to be drinking in a pub with a gorgeous barmaid than to go to any of the awful strip pubs/clubs left in London. That is the reality.