Dark all day and with mist of fine rain in the air all day. Beautiful. Quite steamy, humid, the kind of day I want to sit in a hot sticky porn cinema bringing myself to the point of climax time and time again and pulling back from it, before finally in the steamy dark electricity crackling thunder rumbling evening going around the corner to some night bar and releasing the pressure with some huge breasted huge arsed floozie. Funnily enough Brussels springs first to mind, Cine Paris, and Fifth Avenue. Would have loved to have gone to Fly tonight.
Incredible to realise my first book Autismus covers 2½ years of my life from February 1999 to October 2001, my last day in Oslo, but my second book Lotta covers just 12 days! I need to publish a second edition of Autismus as I have added a lot from the margins of the Freud book. I also wonder about putting some of those “He doesn’t seem to care!” remarks from my 1999 diary to bring it a bit to life, and make it less dry.
Now I can be a real Autistic Prince I suppose. Beyond relationships, on the other side of the great relationship of my life, through the looking glass. Pure drinking, pure pornography and prostitution, pure strippers. Pure writing. Not getting involved with anybody ever again.
How Kylie Can’t Get You Out Of My Head reminds me of that 1st or 2nd stay in Brussels.
I always go to whores when I am incapable of getting any pleasure from them; I only feel like going to whores when I have reached the point where I am incapable of getting any pleasure from them. I actually hate coming with a whore, because then I am hit with the immediate down, the spell is completely broken, and suddenly I see my surroundings with clear vision, the rose tinted beer goggles are gone in a split second, and I feel incredible depression and misery. If however I am unable to feel any sensation so cannot come, then I leave still turned on and excited and this stays with me all the way home, when I am able to finish off in bed. I go to prostitutes purely for the visual thrill, so I have got 10 minutes of images stored in my eyes to take home with me.
This way of life means I am always likely to be burdened by a high level of debt. While my mother is still alive this is a once in a lifetime chance to try to reduce some of that debt, at a time when interest rates are at an all time low, before they finally go up next year. Once the interest rates finally do rise, then my debt will be ever more crippling; even more reason to bear down on it now.
You can say drinking is bad but it has always given me such energy and wildness to DO something; you can say pornography is bad but it has always given me such energy and motivation to DO something. Without drink and pornography (which includes prostitution and strippers) I would not know what to do with myself; would not understand what the point of life was at all. Just sit slumped lifelessly at home staring at a wall. They have been my motors and my fuel and along the way they have brought me to so many other things, led me to so many other discoveries, revelations of the soul and spirit, meeting so many fascinating people, having so many extraordinary high nights, those “high nights that persuade us to put off suicide”, living in a kind of blissful “Pornophilia”. It led me to meeting my love, unbelievable to meet someone so beautiful in such an unbeautiful place.