LET ME JUST LOSE MYSELF IN PORNOGRAPHY MORE THAN EVER

LET ME JUST LOSE MYSELF IN PORNOGRAPHY MORE THAN EVER. CONSTANT PRIAPIC AROUSAL. ON THE BRINK OF IT ALL THE TIME. Depressed. Being in London is depressing. I realise without my wife there is not one single thing I want to be in London for. She was the only good thing here. Bored, sombre, depressed, just want to lie my head down to sleep again. That is all I do these days. No motivation to do anything else. I do love my bed so much. My ferns, my classical music, my books. Fragile. Bleak. This is how I start 20–.
I could do a Hitler tour of Munich couldn’t I, which would mean staying for at least 2 nights. Go see all those Beerhouses he used to hold his meetings in.

Ruth Gordon quoted in the Paris Review: “Going out in the Twenties was so glamorous”

Ruth Gordon quoted in the Paris Review: “Going out in the Twenties was so glamorous, so dazzling. Everybody was beautiful and everybody was sexy and nobody was economical.” And that sums up the appeal of travel to me. Sitting drinking in London today and feeling so morbidly bored, so hard to even make the drink go down me, I was yearning to be sitting in a bar in Brussels, Vienna, Berlin or Munich instead. But what’s the difference. I am still just sitting there drinking, watching people pass, but to be in those places I would feel so happy, so thrilled. It still feels glamorous and dazzling to be in those places. I feel beautiful and sexy and rich.tumblr_nhtx0hGskw1qbh3i4o3_1280

I think I will apply for euthanasia when I get older

I think I will apply for euthanasia when I get older. The thought of being a little 60 or 70 year old man, all on my own, unable to heat my house properly, pension not even covering heating or food bills let alone paying back my tens of thousands of pounds of debt accrued from a lifetime of travelling. I wonder if you are allowed to go for euthanasia if you owe a lot of money? Can I pay for it on my credit card? I suppose that invalidates your life insurance as well; your loved ones won’t get that money if you elect to have yourself put down?