“I feel filled with a dangerous power. A latency. They know it and fear what I will become. Fear what I am growing into.” Christ how powerful I feel with —–. With ——-. With the girls of Berlin Stuttgarter Platz, Vienna Gurtel, Brussels 5th Avenue. I really feel I am coming into my power now.
One must not comment on the beauty of a vioinist or pianist? Her physical attractiveness? Her curvaceousness? So when one checks in one’s hat and coat in the cloakroom, one must check in one’s natural sexual desires as well? We must go in to a concert hall sexless, emasculated, castrate? One must sit there very po faced, absorbing the experience with one’s ears only, no other senses allowed. It is objectifying her to talk of her extreme physical desirability. But tell me, before going on stage she puts on her beautiful make up, does her hair beautifully, puts on the most beautiful and alluring dress she can find, all to make herself look as attractive as possible; but then by some bizarre moral omerta we are not then allowed to say “bloody hell, she is attractive!” Is that really being rude to her? Offensive? All human beings size each other up on the tube, the bus, the airport anyway. Of course it is the same in a concert hall, observing one’s fellow audience members, and the people on stage.
As always the funny thing is the more people attack me (and Christ look at how smart they look; do they have no self awareness whatsoever?), the more girls show their quiet liking for me, and attraction to me. Just in the last month there is the black haired girl on train, and the blonde schoolgirl, both giving me penetrating looks regularly before we get off the train at ——-. And after —-, there is now the Romanian —– coming on to me. And as I lose weight, I am just going to become steadily more beautiful.
All their vicious desperate attacks on me from October 1998 onwards and I just came out of it stronger, and more beautiful, and more serene, that is quite a testament to me. And to think I then experience such pleasures in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006.
It is ridiculous to talk about my sex drive declining, when just LAST SUMMER was the most sex crazed time of my whole life, all those whores I went to Zara, Spanish Mary, Italian Mary, Roxy, Mariana, Lavinia, Kimmy; it was out of control! November I f–ked Andrea in 5th Avenue like an animal, before January I had sex 3 times in three days with Amanda, Melissa, then that incredible double — with Manuela! Chris Pratt says he was more or less impotent when he was fat, at least lifeless and disinterested. I think my fatness does affect my sex drive too. If I could lose 2 STONE, and start looking really lean again, I think I would FEEL so much more sexy, not this heavy lumbering beast. This is the time to really make an effort. Let’s see what I can achieve in the 4 weeks before I head to Berlin.
If I had never gone in Sterntaler Bar I would never have met Martina and had that incredible memory; that is why I keep going in Sterntaler Bar.
Oh to be in a good porn cinema watching a good porn film again. There really is nothing better. All problems of the world disappear.
I want to live the pornotopia dream, always surrounded by big breast whores. Woke thinking of big breast Star Trek remakes, nights in Berlin Stuttgarter Platz.