I was wrong to say the Boulevard Adolphe Max xmas lights are up but not lit up; even in daylight I can see the lights ARE still on

I was wrong to say the Boulevard Adolphe Max xmas lights are up but not lit up; even in daylight I can see the lights ARE still on. The Hairy Nights are over. The Smoky Nights are over. The Winter Solstice festival is over. I am weak and have a 4th can of Jupiler before I go out. I’m really waiting for it to start raining I think. How I love going out in the rain. Rain, fog, snow—for desperately shy people like me, these weather conditions are such a massive lovely relief. I genuinely feel LOVE for rain, fog and snow. They calm my nerves—even at my old age I have never lost my shyness and self-consciousness when sober. No.1 reason for my reliance on alcohol. In intimate encounters, on a 1 to 1 level, I am much more confident and at ease and aware of my power, it is true; but still, every time I open my front door and step onto my front path, I feel excruciatingly self-conscious. Stupid, stupid, stupid! But it never leaves me. Why I love winter, darkness, dark by 4pm. Why I dread return of bright nights, spring, summer. Too much brightness. Too much visibility. There must BE other people like me, right? People so self-conscious they crave darkness, rain, night, fog? A red cap and a black cap soldier going up this time—they seem to be mixing their regiments now. And yet, is it true to say people this self-conscious CANNOT be bad people? This level of self-consciousness means you must be a sweet, nice person? I have never met a really nasty piece of work who lacked confidence. My self-consciousness and perpetual expectation (not fear) of rejection consequently make me kind and gentle to other people. And let me re-iterate, it is not a FEAR of rejection, because I don’t care if you reject me or not because I don’t want anything to do with these —– in the first place, but it is a quite natural, ever present, in every second, EXPECTATION of rejection. It does, I think, make me always kind and helpful to everyone I meet; I do not want to be a rejecter. Except if someone tries to get close, of course, but that is different. Blue skies now, no sign of rain.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s