Mortified again. Horrible despair. BUT I WANT THE COLD ICY AIR OF THE MOUNTAINS

Mortified again. Horrible despair. BUT I WANT THE COLD ICY AIR OF THE MOUNTAINS. I WANT TO BE ALONE IN COLD STOVELESS ROOMS. I LIVE TO LIVE WILDLY. I ALWAYS RISE LIKE THE PHOENIX FROM THE FLAMES.

mountains (2)

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Only when mother passes will I be really free to travel – with no one at home to worry for. To the cold icy mountains again

Only when mother passes will I be really free to travel – with no one at home to worry for. To the cold icy mountains again, Zugspitze, Neuschwanstein again, Reichenbach Falls, Brocken Mountain, Italy. I can travel the world more than ever, longer than ever. But I must save as much as I can before then; while mother is around, this is my time to save all I can.

Autismus, Lotta, The Cold Icy Air of the Mountains and Casanova already published and To Confound and The Double Life soon to join them

Autismus, Lotta, The Cold Icy Air of the Mountains and Casanova already published, and To Confound and The Double Life soon to join them. The ever more lethal world we live in makes the seeking out of pleasure ever more urgent. 121am now. Just 6 hours and I am out of here on bus to St Pancras, on train 855am, at Gare du Midi 1209, then my Berlin train leaves 245pm. Time I have deposited my new huge bag in a locker, had some drinks in Orient Express that will be 1pm surely. Hardly worth going up to Cine Paris in that time, and yet there is too much time to kill if I do not. I cannot stay in Le Coin that long I think. But oh I suppose I could START my walk up to Cine Paris from there. Should be VERY rainy, even thunderstormy when I arrive, that might encourage me to take the long walk. Or just enjoy several beers in Le Coin then stroll back. Stupid to be stuck SO far away from Midi HAVING to take that massive long walk back to get my train. Yes, save Cine Paris for Thursday. Just Orient Express and Le Coin to pass the 2 hours around Midi. Then hopefully a nice quiet seat on the train to Koln and thence from Koln to Berlin so I can even doze off.

Casanova

Fascinating to just read through my Alice stuff

Fascinating to just read through my Alice stuff. Brilliant powerful stuff about the agonising decision whether to end my marriage or carry on prolonging it, prolonging the relationship with the woman I love more than anything in the world or regaining my “freedom” & loneliness & cold icy air of the mountains. I think I’m ready to work on this book now and get it up on Amazon.

Finding all those long lost notes from 2002 and putting them back into Lotta has made me fall in love with her all over again

Finding all those long lost notes from 2002 and putting them back into Lotta has made me fall in love with her all over again. Lying in bed now on an icy cold June day with wind howling, and about to pour with rain, I feel like I am in bed in that Grand Hotel in The Silence. I feel the cold iciness of the mountains again. Alone, cold, missing my lost loves.

The first TEN paragraphs of Cold Icy Air are what my writing has to be about. Written in blood

The first TEN paragraphs of Cold Icy Air are what my writing has to be about. Written in blood, crying tears of loneliness and pain, writing those words just to be able to survive for another minute. Compress all my books into just these words. The American Girl visit to Brussels came out perfect, nothing needs to be added or taken away, the whole Lotta stuff is absolutely perfect as it is.

I spent all day Saturday continuing to sort through several decades of detritus in my bedroom

I spent all day Saturday continuing to sort through several decades of detritus in my bedroom, collected lifetime of books, newspaper diaries, newspaper¬†cuttings, videotapes, etc etc etc. I found about 6 pages of notes that should have been included in my 3rd book, The Cold Icy Air of the Mountains, already now up on Amazon. No matter, I put the manuscripts up on Amazon just so the books are online in case I meet an untimely death, then researchers will always be able to access them, rather than them being hidden forever on my laptop, unknown. Once my books are properly published then all the additions can be put in; but this is not the issue, the issue is these notes also contained lists of great songs I was seeing on the music channels during that trip, and it just brings home to me how great music was back in 2002, 2003, 2004, compared to how rubbish it is now. Also how every hotel I stayed in back in those days had at least two music channels for me to switch between. One hotel I remember in those days had FOUR. Now all of the hotels I go to have removed all music channels, hopefully not because of complaints I was playing the music too loud back in those days. But really it was a shock to discover all these great music videos that I have not seen for more than 10 years–all seen in just one or two trips back in 2003. I just downloaded 66 songs onto my computer and then onto my phone.
Berlin notes June 2005