There is a kind of dangerous desire for defeat for only in complete abject defeat and despair can one experience that release of pure nihilism

There is a kind of dangerous desire for defeat, for only in complete abject defeat and despair can one experience that release of pure nihilism, that eroticism of despair that enables real sexual ecstacy to flower, to bloom and blossom from the absolute fertiliser of shit in which one is now wallowing. For instance one can yearn for a wonderful blessed marriage to a beautiful woman to be lost because it restricts one’s true desire too much so one can be free to wallow in shame and degradation again, one can yearn for wonderful job and career to be ruined because it would allow one not to refrain from certain practices, so one can be free to wallow in shame and degradation again. This yearning for disaster, defeat, shame, humiliation, as only then can you achieve real sexual highs. Only in the most abject lows can you experience the most sublime sexual and spiritual highs. A real Sadeian Nihilism. A French cyclist who wants never to win stages of the Tour de France or to ever again win the race itself so the despair and the bitterness can become richer and richer, like a child biting down on a loose tooth to release that amazing sweet taste of blood and feel that amazing pain. This whole attitude is prevalent through the life of the Marquis de Sade, and I recognise it so strongly in myself. It is both terrifying, and disgusting, and makes me want to cry, at the same time as filling me with a dangerous excitement, a devilish desire, a feeling that is my true desire. So sitting with my beautiful never to be unloved wife in a pub together looking at some lonely old man sitting alone all afternoon with his pint, quietly and with dignity speaking to no one, but just periodically returning to the bar to politely take another drink, I find myself yearning to be that lonely old man myself as I get older. There is a dignity to them, a beauty. Like sad abused old dogs recovering from their terrible wounds in some dog sanctuary seem so much more lovable and noble than happy dogs.

From the margins of The Bohemians: “When I didn’t know how to cope with life everything cut so deep–the highs and the lows”

From the margins of  The Bohemians: “When I didn’t know how to cope with life, everything cut so deep–the highs and the lows. Now I am settled down with home and wife, nothing can affect me at all. Being eviscerated by loneliness and despair has its advantages it seems. Now I feel a kind of warm dullness from my contentment; I am anguished by my contentment. The fact that last night I smashed the right lens of my glasses which I have had for 13 years seems an omen of something.”

“Saturn first moved in to Scorpio in 2012”

“Saturn first moved in to Scorpio in 2012. While you’ve faced challenges since then, you’ve also changed, grown and developed in ways you wouldn’t have thought possible. Now you can begin benefiting from those changes.” Despair for me just means black masses, satanic orgies. Nothing to lose so might as well go all out.

I live in suspension in Berlin, Vienna, Brussels, Munich. Like a piece of silt in a river. Imagine how exquisite is my despair!

I live in suspension in Berlin, Vienna, Brussels, Munich. Like a piece of silt in a river.
Imagine how exquisite is my despair! I spend hundreds of pounds a month for this masochistic pleasure.
13 episodes of Tinker Tailor/Smiley’s People got through in 4 days, and I can think of nothing better to do now than go back to the beginning and start all over again (missing out just the Hywel Bennett episode perhaps).
So 11th anniversary of the night of the snow in Munich. My god 11 years.
Just Sunday night, Monday night and Tuesday night to get through, then Wednedsay morning I head to Brussels on the 858am Eurostar. One afternoon in Cafe Dome, Cine Paris and 5th Avenue. Thursday morning 10am head to Munich, arrive Munich 8pm. To Regent Hotel bar then to Atlantic City, then to Sexyland kabins, then the trawl of Schillerstrasse. Friday lunchtime to Rechthaler Hof for beer and steak, then back to sleep all afternoon. Friday night try again in Munich I suppose. Perhaps only Sexyland will be worth returning to! Early Saturday morning 6am head to Vienna, arriving at the Dorint by 11am. Head to Fortuna Kino then back to WSK, then try Manhattan Saturday night? Sunday I can very leisurely drink in hotel before a long Cafe West End session. I then have Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, to juggle between Vienna, Munich homeward journey, and Brussels last day.
Where to go in Vienna culturally? Night Porter, Bad Timing, Belvedere, Butterfly House, KHM , St Stephen’s, all done recently. No interest in Leopold really, or Albertina. Hitler place done. Munich? Go to ONE of the Hitler sites perhaps. Brussels—TRY to get back to Fin de Siecle and Old Masters on the bus. Though I might run out of time for that. Still no feeling for Berlin right now. Too far north at this time of year!
No real enthusiasms for the trip, but at least Wednesday I can enjoy the porn of Cine Paris, and maybe stroll up to Gare du Nord as well. Thursday & Friday there is kabins of Munich. Saturday & Sunday the porn cinemas of Vienna. Monday perhaps head back to Munich so I can early Tuesday get the train back to Brussels for Tuesday afternoon and all day Wednesday in Brussels. Bear in mind the train to Vienna is JUST 59 euros! That is the incredible thing! Might as well go to Vienna for a couple of days, why not, for just 59 euros!!!!!! The Dorint is quite cheap as well I think. The Dorint is just £52 a night as well. So £194 for two nights in Vienna, much cheaper than flying!!!! £200 for flight even before hotel added on. It now becomes so much cheaper to go to Vienna from Munich.