Oh but how magnificent were those Cine Paris films Friday! Worth staying all 7 nights just for that last day revelation

Oh but how magnificent were those Cine Paris films Friday! Worth staying all 7 nights just for that last day revelation. Why I HAVE to go to Vienna for WSK. Cannot wait! There were so many big bosoms in Rue d’Aerschot and I didn’t sample any of them. Next time spend 3 hours in Cine Paris and then go up to Rue d’Aerschot in a daze of orgasmic eroticism, cock sore, and go straight with one of them big bosom girls.

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So finally my trip is almost at its end. Friday night in Brussels and I stay in my room

So finally my trip is almost at its end. Friday night in Brussels and I stay in my room, in my big white bed listening to classical music on the radio, Clara. Let me keep my head down tonight, as my Eurostar leaves 730am in the morning. So no I did not get to the Wiertz Museum, sadly; instead I spent about 4½ hours in Cine Paris—the longest session in a porn kino I’ve had for years & years & years. I think the fact I knew this was my last chance to enjoy it before I go home, and that I had no money to do anything more than that, gave a keenness to my arousal. Films that would have had me walking out within 10 seconds normally kept me highly aroused this time. And if you invest a bit of time & effort into a porn film you can usually get into it—Auto Ecole which yesterday I walked out on as it was absolutely rubbish now really turned me on. The actresses I thought unattractive yesterday now turned me on immensely. It is all in your mind. You carry the weather with you. You carry the eroticism with you, depending on what mood you are in.

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There is a kind of dangerous desire for defeat for only in complete abject defeat and despair can one experience that release of pure nihilism

There is a kind of dangerous desire for defeat, for only in complete abject defeat and despair can one experience that release of pure nihilism, that eroticism of despair that enables real sexual ecstacy to flower, to bloom and blossom from the absolute fertiliser of shit in which one is now wallowing. For instance one can yearn for a wonderful blessed marriage to a beautiful woman to be lost because it restricts one’s true desire too much so one can be free to wallow in shame and degradation again, one can yearn for wonderful job and career to be ruined because it would allow one not to refrain from certain practices, so one can be free to wallow in shame and degradation again. This yearning for disaster, defeat, shame, humiliation, as only then can you achieve real sexual highs. Only in the most abject lows can you experience the most sublime sexual and spiritual highs. A real Sadeian Nihilism. A French cyclist who wants never to win stages of the Tour de France or to ever again win the race itself so the despair and the bitterness can become richer and richer, like a child biting down on a loose tooth to release that amazing sweet taste of blood and feel that amazing pain. This whole attitude is prevalent through the life of the Marquis de Sade, and I recognise it so strongly in myself. It is both terrifying, and disgusting, and makes me want to cry, at the same time as filling me with a dangerous excitement, a devilish desire, a feeling that is my true desire. So sitting with my beautiful never to be unloved wife in a pub together looking at some lonely old man sitting alone all afternoon with his pint, quietly and with dignity speaking to no one, but just periodically returning to the bar to politely take another drink, I find myself yearning to be that lonely old man myself as I get older. There is a dignity to them, a beauty. Like sad abused old dogs recovering from their terrible wounds in some dog sanctuary seem so much more lovable and noble than happy dogs.