I will look forward so much to seeing Inna again, and Emily, and Leyla, and Brazilian f–kbunny, who knows maybe even Diane. But not until April. This Anouk reminds me so much of Leyla now. She is so beautiful. I am a little bit in love with her already. Now I long to see her again.
My last day—Saturday—in Fifth Avenue. So on my way in, and going to the toilet, I happened to see Leyla quietly sitting there at the back—not approaching me this time. Beautiful woman. Physically and in every other way. I like her so much.
It was silly. If I’d known Leyla was going to be at Fifth Avenue when I got there, I could have got there sooner, when I was not so drunk, done something with her, and still had time to come back and catch my Eurostar home. Now I’ve been “forced to” spend another £80 on hotel and £132 on Eurostar and now do not HAVE any money to do anything with Leyla! Oh if I really wanted to I could take out another 50-75 euros from the cash machine, but I do not want to. Now I feel in lockdown mood. I have spent too much, and now I just want to curl myself up like a ball.
Don’t know what I’m going to do today. Just thinking about food really. 1045 On my first beer. 127 euros to last me today and tomorrow morning. I would not be feeling down now if I had lots of money to spare.; it is only my financial situation that depresses me. Leyla did turn me on last night; that is why I don’t want to see her again today. I cannot afford to do anything—not having just spent an extra £133 on Eurostar and another £80 on my hotel. Blue skies this morning but as it did every day on this trip, rain and snow should start after 1pm or so.
And then Leyla turned up. First drink in Fifth Avenue, turned to sit down, and there was Leyla. So, everything changed. Could not go home as planned. Brussels Grill steak, back to hotel, for 2 more nights. And another, hideously expensive Eurostar. If only, if only, if only I’d known she’d be there, I wouldn’t have drunk so much in the hotel, and would have got there sooner. Now, too late. My steak is taking longer than ever. The restaurant is 75% empty. I am sure it shouldn’t be taking this long. 530 now. So drunk. So hungry. Still I wait for my steak. This is not right. Never waited this long before, and usually the place is busy. It is counter-intuitive but often true—the emptier the restaurant, the slower the service.
Snowing in Brussels at 3am. Probably was all night, but I think I must have been in bed by 5 or 6, after staggering back from my Brussels Grill steak. Then slept through to 1, had a wee, back to sleep till 3. So once again I did nothing in Rue d’Aerschot or Fifth. Coming away from Rue d’Aerschot I couldn’t help smiling and laughing to myself, and same while in Fifth, which tells me indeed that my sub-conscious WANTED me to do nothing in Brussels this time, which was why I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing for no apparent reason. The older I get the more I realise my sub-conscious rules my life. It is the massive Nile running underground inside me and it channels my thoughts and actions. It drags me with it. It takes a lot to override it and even then it never feels right, and turns out badly. So I have learnt to listen to it and let it take me where it wants. I have learned my sub-conscious knows best. It knows what is really necessary for my life, and this time NOT to spend any money in Brussels was definitely what was needed. Or maybe it was just telling me the quality is not here right now, save it for something that is worth it, and I will know when that something turns up. There was a moment in Fifth when I turned and caught sight of a Moroccan girl in lumberjack shirt that Leyla wore once, and I thought it was her. My heart started beating fast and I thought to myself I AM going to spend a lot of money after all but then I looked again and realised it was not her. Black bob Tatiana, Emily, Perrie were all there, but I felt no desire for any of them. I check out in 7 hours then have six hours to kill before my train. Probably cheapest just to sit in Cine Paris as long as possible.