Giving up strippers means I can keep travelling. The incredible thing is giving up strippers (and reduction of credit card debt accordingly) almost allows me to have my own flat AND keep travelling. That is how much no more strip clubs would save me. Yes, my life is to be lived in permanent condition of travel; to be held always in suspension like piece of silt in a river. To Vienna, to Brussels, always.
LAST THINGS TO TAKE FROM MY ROOM WHEN I GO The big Marilyn Monroe picture. The 2 bronze masks. Picture of me and —–. My clothes. That is it. I can even arrange a pick up for that. And it will be a relief. A massive expense to have a flat of my own again; that is why I MUST MUST MUST MUST reduce my credit card debt now, while interest rates are at historic low. I need to spend my wages on my rent on my own flat, not ALL going on minimum credit card repayments. I have got to get that back down again. But it will be a relief to have my own little nest again. Just to sit listening to the rain falling at night, listening to my classical music, with my ferns and lamps on the floor around me. Start again from scratch. And I can travel freely for long times, with no one to worry about at home. But I must make myself financially healthy again before I am ready for this next step, this next phase, this next cycle to begin. 1997 father died. 2007 I began my relationship with —–. 2017 something else? Hope not, for a long time, many years to come before the next stage begins.
My goal now is to move all my precious stuff into —– Storage (nearly there), to get my weight down BELOW 15 stone (nearly there), and to give myself a permanent £1,300 buffer in my bank—a long way to go on that, by NOT going to Vienna will make the biggest difference. To reduce my credit card debt down to £–,000 at least. To leave myself CAPABLE of moving into a flat of my own again at a moment’s notice. Vienna can wait till the New Year.
Would be good if I could RESIST returning to Brussels until my end of year Vienna trip, to enable me to save up a pot of money for that, as that is a more expensive journey. My boredom in London can be relieved if I do take out storage space and use my days off to start moving my stuff into there. I do wonder if it was my anxiety to start this that stopped me from feeling in the mood for anything while in Brussels. And maybe even my craving to have my own little nest again; completely alone.