For someone I feel emotions for … Peckham schoolgirl. —–. Leyla in 5th Avenue. But my love for —— precludes me really feeling anything for anyone else.
In the Lyceum Tavern Monday, an old couple came in so the man could use the loos upstairs, and she sat at table by window, long bright green coat, red gloves, red hat with white fur around it, dressed up for Christmas. Old in her 70s maybe, but still dressing up for Christmas. Man came down and tenderly asked her if she was sure she didn’t need toilet, then they went off together. That touched me so much and made me think of —–, and how I always wanted us to be that old couple still together, still in love.
Publishing my Double Life (2011) notes again, it is so clear how without her I would never have been happy in the rest of my life; it would have remained the greatest missed opportunity of my life; I thank god and thank her that we had the chance to be together at last. It was the ultimate monkey off my back.
Looking through my Justice Palace document unexpectedly came across picture of —— with —— at that nightclub; shocking how beautiful and sexy —— looks, in that white jumpsuit with amazing booty. Christ can you believe I was living with such a beautiful sexy funny woman. She is gob-smacking.
What a miracle of my life—the central miracle of my life—that —— fell in love with me and wanted me to come back to her. The most extraordinary event of my life. Extraordinary even she let me into her life in the first place; but later, to then want me to come back. She changed her mind later, of course, but it doesn’t matter. The other miracle of course, my mother. Two amazing miracles of my life; I can only feel blessed and lucky and grateful. Because of these two women, when I die I will look back and think I had a lovely life—because of them.
I haven’t really desired a woman, body & soul, since I fell in love with my future wife back in 2006.
From the margins of The Bohemians: “When I didn’t know how to cope with life, everything cut so deep–the highs and the lows. Now I am settled down with home and wife, nothing can affect me at all. Being eviscerated by loneliness and despair has its advantages it seems. Now I feel a kind of warm dullness from my contentment; I am anguished by my contentment. The fact that last night I smashed the right lens of my glasses which I have had for 13 years seems an omen of something.”
When it is cold there is no people watching to be done; everyone is wrapped up. Better to stay home working hard in the winter months. Return to the pubs and windows in Spring. 302 already. Day flying by. Listening to The Governor’s Consort has made me unexpectedly sad about ——, the consolations of marriage, when she really loved me, and even when angry at me, quietly begged me never to leave her. I still believe we will be together again, one day.