Publishing my Double Life (2011) notes again it is so clear how without her I would never have been happy in the rest of my life

Publishing my Double Life (2011) notes again, it is so clear how without her I would never have been happy in the rest of my life; it would have remained the greatest missed opportunity of my life; I thank god and thank her that we had the chance to be together at last. It was the ultimate monkey off my back.
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What a miracle of my life—the central miracle of my life—that —— fell in love with me and wanted me to come back to her. The most extraordinary event of my life

What a miracle of my life—the central miracle of my life—that —— fell in love with me and wanted me to come back to her. The most extraordinary event of my life. Extraordinary even she let me into her life in the first place; but later, to then want me to come back. She changed her mind later, of course, but it doesn’t matter. The other miracle of course, my mother. Two amazing miracles of my life; I can only feel blessed and lucky and grateful. Because of these two women, when I die I will look back and think I had a lovely life—because of them.

From the margins of The Bohemians: “When I didn’t know how to cope with life everything cut so deep–the highs and the lows”

From the margins of  The Bohemians: “When I didn’t know how to cope with life, everything cut so deep–the highs and the lows. Now I am settled down with home and wife, nothing can affect me at all. Being eviscerated by loneliness and despair has its advantages it seems. Now I feel a kind of warm dullness from my contentment; I am anguished by my contentment. The fact that last night I smashed the right lens of my glasses which I have had for 13 years seems an omen of something.”

When it is cold there is no people watching to be done; everyone is wrapped up. Better to stay home working hard in the winter months

When it is cold there is no people watching to be done; everyone is wrapped up. Better to stay home working hard in the winter months. Return to the pubs and windows in Spring. 302 already. Day flying by. Listening to The Governor’s Consort has made me unexpectedly sad about ——, the consolations of marriage, when she really loved me, and even when angry at me, quietly begged me never to leave her. I still believe we will be together again, one day.

I miss my wife but I still always want to travel. Even if with anybody else I would want to travel all the time

I miss my wife, but I still always want to travel. Even if with anybody else, I would want to travel all the time. That is why I can only ever be alone (amongst numerous other reasons). My wanderlust never leaves me, even if it is wanderlust to return to the same places. It cost me just £56 to get to Berlin from Brussels (£56 for a return ticket that is). So hardly a huge expense to come to Berlin, and the hotel is just £35 a night. Those high nights, with Yulia, and Riccarda and Iga, and Olga & Alla, were amazing. A distant memory in Berlin these days. Yes I get genuine erections in Berlin Erotic Point and Sissi and Monte Carlo but have I had any really sexy moments in Berlin this time? No. Nothing like an Adelina in Vienna or a Lucy in Brussels. That Brazilian girl passing the bus stop at Alexanderplatz in grey leggings so tight they were see through over her beautiful big fat arse was the genuinely sexiest moment.

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