A trilogy: 1 after I met Sarah. 2 after I met ——. 3. After I left ——. Munich, Berlin, Brussels?
This makes me WANT to return to Munich now. Expecting nothing of course, but for its prime importance to me. And in expecting nothing I can once again derive pleasure from it I am sure. Yes always has to be Munich on the way to Vienna. A cheap Schillerstraße hotel. To Confound is part 1, I shrivel up in morning light is part 2, The Stripper is part 3. Taking me up to stomach flu, and end of marriage. What a big day this feels. Released by Inna and Mariana in Brussels I am sure.
I wake up with dream of two boys who had composed a fantastic dance club song, then that quote “he besmirched his sight to betray himself”, then I looked at To Confound and suddenly realised it needed to undergo that sudden mutation and attacked it with relish. It is the birth of Fantomas. From chrysalis weak white face in asylum to emerging as butterfly above Munich. “He seems to be enjoying it!”. Because I was BORN in Munich, really. Born after Sarah, born when I first had sex with Carla and Rachel, BORN when I arrived in Munich.
(To Confound has got to be written in voice of strident hubris, madman genius shaking his fist at world cackling. Yes he is mad, but mad like Fantomas. Fu Manchu. Surely To Confound CAN be the very tiny germ from which my great book can arise. But MIXED with all the Berlin stuff, “I suffer gravity only to defeat it again!” Return to it but with mad surrealism, don’t stick to narrow chronology of diary.)
Autismus, Lotta, The Cold Icy Air of the Mountains and Casanova already published, and To Confound and The Double Life soon to join them. The ever more lethal world we live in makes the seeking out of pleasure ever more urgent. 121am now. Just 6 hours and I am out of here on bus to St Pancras, on train 855am, at Gare du Midi 1209, then my Berlin train leaves 245pm. Time I have deposited my new huge bag in a locker, had some drinks in Orient Express that will be 1pm surely. Hardly worth going up to Cine Paris in that time, and yet there is too much time to kill if I do not. I cannot stay in Le Coin that long I think. But oh I suppose I could START my walk up to Cine Paris from there. Should be VERY rainy, even thunderstormy when I arrive, that might encourage me to take the long walk. Or just enjoy several beers in Le Coin then stroll back. Stupid to be stuck SO far away from Midi HAVING to take that massive long walk back to get my train. Yes, save Cine Paris for Thursday. Just Orient Express and Le Coin to pass the 2 hours around Midi. Then hopefully a nice quiet seat on the train to Koln and thence from Koln to Berlin so I can even doze off.
Will I ever write that Willing Cheeks of Fu Manchu? My Dracula.
Yes I want despair, ruin again, that is when EROTICISM comes back to life. When I come back to life. Taste my misery like blood in my mouth. Writing with blue hands in cold stoveless rooms.